SongFics That Were Never Meant to Be: the series
by Sky Rat
Summary: Part 3: "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Brad" Schwarz goes on a tiger hunt....
1. Farfarello, Some Glue, and Reckless Abus

This came about cause I was bored and thought, gee I want to write a song-fic using the most unsuitable and ridiculous song I can think of. My sister was rooting for "Rubber Ducky, You're the One" but this song was easier to develop into a plot. I guess it takes practice to write something really awful.  
  
I intend to make this a series of One-Shots all using different ridiculous songs. Suggestions for other dumb songs to use is welcome.  
  
**Disclaimer**: Weiß ain't mine. But the Aquabats are! I lie, I lie. The Aqubats aren't mine either. In fact, I don't even own their cds. I had to borrow them from my sister.  
  
Song: 'Stuck Together' by the Aquabats. It's really not in the least important to know this song. In fact, I wrote the fic _before_ bothering to actually listen to it.   
  
.....................................................................................................

--Farfarello, Some Glue, and Reckless Abuse of Schu--   
.....................................................................................................

"GET IT OFF ME!! IT'S HORRIBLE! CREEPY!! GET IT THE HELL OFF ME!!!"   
  
That would be Schuldich's voice. Such panic had not escaped him since the 'Salvation Army Incident' of '96.  
  
"IF SOMEONE DOESN'T GET IT OFF ME, I SWEAR I'M GONNA KILL IT!!!!"   
  
Crawford calmly looks up from his imported copy of the Wall Street Journal.  
  
"Nagi, would you mind checking on Schulidich?"  
  
"I refuse to move until I've finished my Cheerios," replies Nagi, "I hate when they get soggy."  
  
"No problem," says Crawford, returning his attention to the stock exchange.  
  
"OK, THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA FRICKIN' KILL IT! DIIIEEEEE!"  
  
[Thwap thwap!]  
  
"Ow!"The 'ow' did not belong to Schuldich.  
  
"We should probably stop him," says Crawford, "the screaming is giving me a headache."  
  
"_Cheerios_." States Nagi, making an exaggerated gesture towards his bowl.  
  
"GODDAMN IT, WHY WON'T YOU DIE ALREADY?!"Schuldich finally makes his appearance in the kitchen. And he's not alone.   
  
"FREAKAZOID PUT GLUE IN MY SHAMPOO!" Despite reaching his other team members, Schuldich is still screaming. "AND THEN HE FRICKIN' GRABBED MY HAIR!!!!"  
  
Farfarello merely waves with his free hand (the other is of course thoroughly entangled in Schuldich's, er...vibrant locks.)  
  
"Goddamn it, that was really expensive shampoo, too," grumbles Schuldich.  
  
_Stuck together!  
You and me!  
Always together!  
Honey and bees!   
Forever and Ever!  
Can you see?  
We were meant to be  
But you tried to leave!  
Stuck together!  
It was easy to do.   
Always together!  
New and improved  
Together forever!  
With hands of glue!  
The kind of glue that you can't remove!  
My arms are good  
But my hands are bad.  
I'm a little bit crazy   
A little bit mad..  
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
_  
"Well, don't just sit there like a bunch of assholes, _do something_!"   
  
"Why?" asks Crawford.  
  
"Why what?!" yells Schuldich.  
  
"Why should _we_ do something?"   
  
"BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T I'M GONNA STRANGLE THE SON OF A BITCH!!!"  
  
"It's so cute when you mistake me for someone who cares," mutters Crawford.  
  
"Let me rephrase that," replies Schuldich, "because if you don't I'm gonna strangle the son of a bitch _with your new Armani tie_!"  
  
"Now hold it right there!" What? Was that actually a hint of emotion in Crawford's voice? "If you so much as touch my tie, I'll kill you both myself."  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THOSE!"  
Schuldich has just noticed Nagi approaching with a pair of scissors.  
  
"You said you wanted to get him off," replies Nagi calmly.  
  
"Not like that!" screams Schuldich, a little hysterically, "can't you do that 'Jedi mind trick' thing of yours to detach him?!"  
  
"Not unless you want your hair to detach with him."  
  
"Well then...." The panic is once again overpowering Schuldich's voice, "go look on the internet, and...and...find a way to dissolve the glue!!"  
  
"I'm tired," says Nagi, yawning, "I'll do it after lunch."  
  
"I hate everyone," whimpers Schuldich, dejectedly.  
  
_My arms are good  
But my hands are bad  
I just want to stick them to your head!  
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
Being alone is not for me.  
Not in America,  
Land of the free.  
Stuck together  
We'll always be.  
Ronald Reagan,  
Can you help me?  
Oh no!  
No one understands...  
Oh no!  
...why there's glue on my hands...  
Oh no!  
...come on over here...   
Oh no!  
...can't you see that there's nothing to fear?   
_  
"Ow! Stop it!"  
  
-poke-  
  
"Ow! Stop it!"  
  
-poke-  
  
"Ow! Stop it!"  
  
-poke-   
  
"Ow! I thought Farfarello wasn't allowed to use metal forks?!"  
  
"He must have picked the lock to the cabinet again." Crawford answers, without interest.  
  
"Well get a new lock, for christsake!! This effing hurts!!!"  
  
There's a pause of about two or three minutes of indulgent silence, and then---  
  
-poke-  
  
"Ow! Stop it!"  
  
-poke-   
  
"Ow! Stop it!"  
  
-poke-  
  
"Ow! Nagi, have you found anything to fix this yet?!"  
  
"When I said I'd look after lunch," states Nagi, "I meant I wouldn't _start_ looking til _after_ lunch."  
  
"Well hurry up! I can't take this much longer!"  
  
"I've heard mayonnaise is good at removing stuff," Nagi suddenly adds, looking up from his plate of fish.  
  
"Really?!" asks Schuldich, eagerly.  
  
"Not really," says Nagi, "but it was pretty funny watching you get your hopes up."  
  
"Fuck you," grumbles Schuldich.  
  
"No thanks. But I bet Farfarello would take you up on that."  
  
"EW GROSS!"  
  
At first everyone thinks that this outburst is in response to Nagi's comment. Until they notice that Schuldich is trying to down every drink on the table.  
  
"He dumped the entire can of nori flakes into my soup! I frinkin' HATE seaweed!! What's wrong with you Japanese and your nasty ass food?!!"  
  
"I think I'm offended," says Nagi, "I'm losing my drive to help you."  
  
"Wait! I take it back! I'm sorry!" cries Schuldich.  
  
Nagi just looks at him blankly. "You just insulted my entire heritage. I'm deeply hurt."  
  
"Look! I said I didn't mean it! I'm sorry already!"  
  
"You'll have to do better than that. Finish the soup."  
  
"But I _hate_ seaweed! It's disgusting!!"  
  
"I've got a book to read," explains Nagi, excusing himself, "see you later Crawford."  
  
"No! Wait, I'll eat the soup!" Schuldich sighs in defeat.  
  
Nagi watches as Schuldich finishes every last bite.  
He then silently returns to his room.  
  
_Stuck together!  
You won't escape!  
Always together!  
It's too late!  
Forever and ever!  
Accept your fate.  
'cause my hands are stuck to your face!  
My arms are good  
But my hands are bad  
I'm a little bit crazy  
A little bit mad..  
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
My arms are good  
But my hands are bad  
I just want to stick them to your head!  
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
_  
Schuldich woke up from his nap feeling amazingly light and free.  
It takes a minute for him to realize why.  
He was alone!  
Farfarello was no longer stuck to his hair!  
Nagi must have come through for him!   
Schuldich joyfully runs into Nagi's room.  
  
"Thanks Nagi!"  
  
Nagi turns and gives Schuldich a weird look. "Thanks?"  
  
"Yeah, you fixed my hair for me didn't you?"  
  
"Nope," says Nagi, turning back to his computer, "I got distracted by 'Vegas Solitaire'."  
  
"But Farfarello's gone! How'd he get unstuck?"  
  
"Beats me," mutters Nagi in annoyance, "are you quite finished letting the A/C out of my room?"  
  
"Go to Hell!" yells Schuldich, slamming the door.  
  
The next thing he notices though, is Farfarello sitting in the corner of the living room. He's playing hang-man against himself on the wall. Closer inspection reveals that he is using made-up words.  
  
"You're not stuck in my hair!" cries Schuldich.  
  
"Nope." replies Farfarello.  
  
"How'd you get out?!"  
  
"I got bored."  
  
Schuldich's eyes narrow dangerously. "What do you mean 'you got bored'?"   
  
"You fell asleep," is Farfaello's matter-of-fact reply, "you're no fun asleep. So I let go."  
  
"YOU 'LET GO'?! YOU MEAN YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT ANY TIME YOU WANTED?!"   
  
"Crawford buys cheap glue," says Farfarello, casually adding a left leg to his hang-man sketch.  
  
This information proves too much for Schuldich, who proceeds to run off screaming into the sunset.  
And they all lived unhappily ever after.  
Except for Farfarello, who was pretty content playing hang-man.  
  
Fin. 


	2. Two Guys, a Fish, and a Flowershop

Song: "Fish Heads" by Barnes and Barnes.

I actually had no idea who did this song; I had to look that bit of information up on the net. My knowledge of it dates back to a badly copied tape of 'Dr. Demento does the 70s.' Yes that's right a cassette tape. I didn't own a CD player back then. Dr. Demento rocked my little eighth grade world. How sad.

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

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"Two Guys, a Fish, and a Flowershop"

...........................................................

"Soooo," Yohji drawls, leaning across the breakfast table and twirling his spoon, "the shop closes early today, and there's no mission tonight."

"Nope," says Omi, trying really hard to look as interested as possible in the newspaper in front of him. Unfortunately it had been left opened to the sports section, and Yohji wasn't fooled.

"Yeah, a whooooole evening with nothing planned. I bet you'd really like to go out and do something fun."

"Not really," says Omi, silently counting how many times the word 'ball' appeared on the sports page.

"There's this new club see, and you're only allowed in if you have a really attractive date."

"And your point is?" Omi says irritably.

"Help me out here, I'm trying to score my date." Yohji says, grinning.

"I don't think Ouka's very interested in you Yohji, I'm not even gonna ask." Omi rolls his eyes.

"No, you lunk-head, I didn't mean _Ouka_." Yohji says with a cringe.

"Well if you want to take Sakura, you'd better clear that with Aya first, not me." Omi says.

"Why would I want to take Sakura when I'm far more interested in cute little _blonds_?" whispers Yohji, smiling a little too lecherously for Omi's comfort.

"Oh Crap, not again," Omi mutters to himself.

"So whaddya say, Ommitchi? How 'bout a date?"

"I say, let me think about it for a minute. Hmmmmmm...NO."

Yohji leans even farther across the table, "I think you should spend a little longer thinking about it."

Omi picks up the remains of his breakfast and tosses it at Yohji. "You can take _that _as your date if you're really desperate."

"Ouch, man. That was pretty cold," observes Ken.

Aya just sits in silence, obviously thinking deep, meaningful Aya-thoughts.

"Oi," says Yohji, sadly picking up the remains of Omi's breakfast fish, "the chibi is so mean to me."

_Fish heads fish heads  
Roly poly fish heads  
Fish heads fish heads  
Eat them up  
Yum_

All day long Yohji carried around the dead fish that Omi had thrown at him that morning. Whenever anyone tried to get him to talk to Omi, Yohji addressed the fish head instead.

"Yohji, go tell Omi to make that delivery."

"Okay" says Yohji, turning towards the fish, "Hey Omi, Aya needs you to do a delivery." Then to Aya's horror, Yohji starts making the fish talk, "okay Yohji-sama. I'll make the delivery! But not because Aya wants me too, I'll go 'cause you asked me soooo nicely!"

Omi, who was in hearing distance the whole time anyway, just goes out to get his bike without saying a word. He was just going to pretend Yohji didn't exist for a while....

Yohji sat at the front counter watching the girls filter in and out of the shop. He perked up at the sight of Omi returning. As soon as he entered the store Yohji resumed his conversation with the fish. "Oh woe is me!" Yohji whines, "Spurned by my one true love, who won't even give me a single evening out! I shall die old and alone, for sure." He opens and shuts the fish's mouth with his fingers, and in a squeaky voice delivers, "how could anyone turn down someone as cool as you, Yohji-sama? They must be really dumb! Well, I'll go with out with you if you want!" Yohji feigns surprise as he looks at the fish, "Oh that is so kind of you, little-Omi-fish! I accept your offer, though I must warn that I'll surely break your heart, as I already love another!" He wipes imaginary tears from his eyes. "I'll treasure every moment of our time together, fleeting as it may be," squeaks the fish.

Omi pulls his jacket over his head, hoping that no one will recognize him as he sneaks into the back of the shop. Unfortunately, the fan girls instantly recognized his pink shorts and tackled him. He never makes it.  
  
_In the morning laughing happy fish heads  
In the evening floating in the soup  
_

When Yohji came down from his room after dinner the fish head was wearing its very own little brown tank top.

"Did he _make _that?" Ken whispers to Aya.

Aya just shrugs and looks thoughtful.

"Am I the only one seriously disturbed by this?" Ken asks.

"No Ken," says Aya, shaking his head, "you are definitely not the only one seriously disturbed by this."

Yohji sets the fish head down on the table while he gets his coat.

"Don't let him buy too many drinks." Ken advises the fish.

Little-Omi-fish says nothing, as fish heads often do.

_Ask a fish head anything you want to  
They won't answer they can't talk  
_

"Well, the lady in front of us was extremely rude." Yohji says to little-Omi-fish, "we couldn't help the smell."

Little-Omi-fish just nods.

"We should have been the ones complaining, those kids of hers where so loud I completely missed the love confession."

"She was just jealous that you had a cheaper date," squeaks little-Omi-fish.

"Ah, how true," agrees Yohji.

_I took a fish head out to see a movie  
Didn't have to pay to get it in  
_

And so it continued for a week. Every night Yohji made a big production out of preparing for his date with little-Omi-fish. Every night Ken and Aya exchanged worried glances, and every night Omi stayed in his room, with the door locked and his stereo cranked up.

Yohji was running out of date-plans however. You can only do so many things when your date is a dead fish, and he'd already run out of movies to see.

_They can't play baseball they don't wear sweaters  
They're not good dancers they don't play drums _

"It's been fun, little-Omi-fish, but I'm afraid things just aren't working out between us," Yohji sighed, while little-Omi-Fish floated in, rather than ate his soup.

Meanwhile, Ken and Aya had decided to intervene. Ken knocks down Omi's door, while Aya tackles Omi.

"You're going out with him!" Aya growls.

Omi shakes his head, and clings to his desktop.

"Come on Omi, just one pity-date! The fish smell is starting to make me sick!" Ken begs.

"As your leader, I _command _you to go out with him!" Aya says.

"What?!" says Omi, "I thought that _I _was the leader! Look it says right here in my profile in 'All That Weiâ'!"

"Anyone who allows another team member to engage in an emotionally harmful relationship with a dead fish deserves to be overthrown," Aya says, "you're being usurped. Ken, notify Manx."

"Aye-Aye captain!" responds Ken, with a mock salute.

"You can't do that!" cries Omi defiantly.

"Watch me." Smirks Aya, as Ken starts dialing the phone.

"Okay fine, you win!" groans Omi, "I'll go on a date with Yohji." He scowls, "I was going to give in eventually anyway."

"Didn't we know it." Says Ken.

Not too long after, Yohji comes back from his unsatisfying dinner date with little-Omi-fish.

"He's all yours," say Ken and Aya, pushing Omi towards Yohji as he walks in the door.

Yohji just breaks out into a huge grin and attempts to hug Omi. Omi stops him by sticking out his foot.

"Shower. Now." Says Omi, scrunching up his face.

Yohji's grin widens. "Is that an invitation to join you?" he asks, hopefully.

"_No_." Omi cries, shoving him towards the bathroom, "and you're not allowed to touch me until you no longer smell like fish, and every article of clothing you wore this week has been burned."

"Ah, even as my boyfriend, the chibi is still mean!" sniffs Yohji.

"Shut up and get rid of the fish!" yell three voices in unison.

After Yohji and the apartment have been de-contaminated of eau-de-poisson, Yohji finally gets to take Omi out. They decide to go to a movie (Yohji pretends he hasn't seen it yet) instead of the sleazy club, which suits Omi just fine.

This time Yohji _does _have to buy a second ticket for his date.

But Yohji doesn't mind one bit.

_Roly poly fish heads are never seen  
Drinking cappuccino in Italian restaurants  
with Oriental women  
  
Yeah._

A/N: Well, I'm sorry if that sucked. No wait. I'm NOT sorry. Just what where expecting from a songfic called 'fish heads' anyway? That's right, you brought this suffering down upon yourself. I pity the foo' who expected this to be good.


	3. The Continuing Story of Bungalow Brad

Song: "The Continuing story of Bungalow Bill" by The Beatles.

Disclaimer: Weiß Kreuz ain't mine. The Beatles ain't mine. Neither Superman, Clark Kent, nor Jimmy Olsen are mine. But the psychological damage caused by writing this fic? Now THAT my friend, is _mine_.

"The Continuing Story of Bungalow Brad"

Somewhere deep in India....

"Argh!" cries Nagi, tripping over a big jungle root, "I HATE this place! Why the hell are we here, anyway?!"

"Because it makes me feel rich and important," says Crawford patiently, "if you read books or watched TV," here he mentally adds 'instead of spending five hours a day in chat rooms,' "you'd have noticed that rich and important people go on safaris and hunt big game."

"What the hell for?" whines Nagi, "that's totally stupid."

"It makes a great conversation starter at parties," explains Crawford. "Oh my, wherever did you get that tiger rug?" Crawford says, in a truly frightening attempt at an imitation of a lady's voice, "'Oh, it's just something I ran into while exploring Africa' I'll answer, and that really impresses people, you know."

"India," corrects Nagi.

"What?" says Crawford.

"We're in India. There are no tigers in Africa."

"No one at the party will care about _that_ detail. They'll be too busy gawking at my magnificent tiger rug."

"Parties?" Schuldig cuts in, "what parties?! Are you trying to tell me you have secret parties with important people when I'm not around?!"

"There haven't been any parties," Crawford sighs. _Though I'd be sure to plan them when you were gone if I did have any_, he thought grimly. "We don't have a tiger rug yet. Kill a tiger, then parties."

_He went out tiger hunting with his elephant and gun  
In case of accidents he'd always take his mom  
Who's the All-American bullet-headed Saxon mother's son._

"I think you're talking rubbish," says Schu, "whoever heard of a stupid rug being the focal point of a good party? That wouldn't impress me at all. What would impress _me_ would be lots of really expensive alcohol and a go-go dancer. Hey Crawford, why can't we have one of _those_ parties?!"

"What are you talking about?" frowns Crawford, "isn't that exactly what you get at those stupid clubs you go to every weekend?"

"Oh yeah," says Schu, breaking out into a smug grin._  
_  
  
_(All the children sing)  
Hey Bungalow Bill. What did you kill? Bungalow Bill._

_Hey Bungalow Bill. What did you Kill? Bungalow Bill._

"So just how are we going to find this tiger, anyway?" asks Nagi.

"Oh, I'm not worried about that," says Crawford, "I'm sure if we just keep walking we'll run into one eventually. I definitely foresaw a tiger."

"Did you foresee _killing _this tiger?" asks Nagi, suspiciously.

"No, but I'm sure we'll manage," says Crawford casually.

"I hate you," says Nagi, "I hope you know that."

"Never doubted it."

"Hey Brad?" asks Schu.

"Crawford," says Crawford.

"What?" says Schu.

"I said 'Crawford,'" repeats Crawford, "I hate being called 'Brad.'"

"Whatever, Brad," says Schu, "When you finally have your party, can _I _be the go-go dancer?"

"Over my dead body," answers Crawford.

"I'll take that as a 'maybe.'"

Crawford just glares.

He's blessed by a few rare moments of silence, until....

"Hey Brad?"

"Arrrrrgh!" goes Crawford.

"Can we hunt _two _tigers?" asks Schu.

"What the hell for?" replies Crawford, trying to massage away his newly developing headache, "having two tiger rugs just makes you look like a snob."

"I want a new coat," explains Schu.

"A tiger coat?" asks Brad, er, I mean Crawford.

"Yeah," says Schu, "animal prints are really in this season."

"But tigers are _orange_," says Nagi with a grimace.

"What does that have to do with anything?" asks Schu.

"Well," says Nagi, "your _hair _is orange too."

"And?" replies Schu.

"Well, wearing two different shades of similar colors clashes big time," explains Nagi with a smirk.

"They..._they do_?" asks Schu, slowly reaching up to touch his bandana in horror.

"Yeah," says Nagi, "huge faux pas there."

"Oh my god!" cries Schu, ripping off his bandana and holding it away at arms length, "Godamnit! Why didn't somebody _say something_?!"

"We thought you knew," says Crawford.

"You mean that wasn't on purpose?" asks Farfarello.

"Why the hell would I want to clash _on purpose_?!" screams Schu hysterically.

"Bad fashion hurts _everybody,_" replies Farfarello with a nod.

"Hahahahaha!" cries Nagi, clutching his sides.

Schu hides his face. "Oh god! Just kill me now!"

"Okay!" says Farfarello, perking up at the request. "Knife or ice pick?"

"What?!" cries Schu, suddenly noticing the way Farfarello is approaching in a manner that gives him an unpleasant flashback to a certain Alfred Hitchcock classic....

"Get the hell away from me!"

Farfarello stops and looks puzzled, "Get away from you?" he looks at his knife and then back at Schu, "you mean you want me to shoot you instead?"

"No, you freak! Leave me alone!"

"But you said you wanted to die," says Farfarello. The disappointment present in his voice is definitely a blow to the self-esteem.

"It was a figure of speech, moron! _A figure of speech!_"

"You're weird," says Farfarello, frowning.

"And you're sick," replies Schu.

Farfarello simply smiles creepily.

_Deep in the jungle where the mighty tiger lies  
Bill and his elephants where taken by surprise  
So Captain Marvel zapped him right between the eyes.  
_

"AHHHHH!" one of the group screams (Crawford suspects It's Schu but can't be sure.)

And whaddya know, there in the middle of the path, grinning even more evilly than Farfarello, was....you guessed it... a tiger!

Crawford pulls out his musket.

Crawford aims his musket.

Crawford fires his musket.

Crawford misses.

"You _missed_?!" screams Schu hysterically, "since when do you miss?!"

"I'm used to an automatic handgun!" retorts Crawford, pouring more gunpowder into the musket, "the balance is all off with this thing!"

"_Why_," Schu grits out angrily, "are you using that arcane piece of junk if you only know how to fire an automatic handgun?!"

"You expect me to kill a tiger with a _handgun_?!" snorts Crawford, "where's the style in _that_?!"

He fires again....

...and misses.

Oops.

"Oh god, we're gonna die!" yells Schu.

The tiger growls....

...and pounces....

...Schu cringes....

...Farfarello giggles...

...and Nagi rolls his eyes.

BAM!

Right in mid-pounce, the tiger suddenly twitches and then drops like a rock.

"What happened?" asks Schu, looking around and realizing that no one was dead....

...except the tiger of course.

"Did you get it Brad?" he whimpers.

"No..." says Crawford, looking a little pale.

Nagi sighs and shakes his head. "_I _got it, you jerks," he turns and gives Schu a sarcastic look, "I can't believe you were scared of _that_."

"Did you _see _the size of its teeth?!" shrieks Schu, still not quite recovered from the scare.

"Idiots," mutters Nagi.

"Well _excuse me_, Mr. I-have-cooler-super-powers-than-anyone-else, sorry for being such a drag on your style." Schuldig glares at Nagi. Then he glares at Crawford and Farfarello too, just for good measure.

_(All the children sing)_

_Hey Bungalow Bill. What did you kill? Bungalow Bill._

_Hey Bungalow Bill. What did you Kill? Bungalow Bill._

"Can I stab it?" asks Farfarello hopefully. 

"Absolutely not!" replies Crawford, "I don't want holes in my rug!"

"How are we going to carry it back?" asks Schuldig.

"Nagi," says Crawford, "would you mind?"

"I knew it!" Nagi cries, "all this time you planned on making me do all the work! I bet the only reason you brought Schuldig and Farfarello along was to keep me from getting suspicious!"

"Nonsense," replies Crawford, "I brought them along so that Schuldig couldn't demand vacation time on his own terms, and so Farfarello wouldn't burn the house down while we were gone."

"Hey!" objects Schuldig.

"Heh-heh," says Farfarello.

"Good point," concedes Nagi with a sigh.

In less than a minute, Nagi has the tiger hovering a foot above the ground, and our brave group begins to trudge wearily back to camp.

It doesn't take Schu long to notice that something's slightly off though.

"Hey Crawford," Schu begins cautiously, "Can you see okay?"

"Yeah," says Crawford, "I'm fine."

"But the backlash from firing your gun broke your glasses."

"Oh did it?" says Crawford, taking them off and examining them, "hm, so it did." He slides the damaged glasses into his pocket and continues walking....

"Wait a minute!" says Schu, frowning, "do you mean to say that all this time you could see perfectly fine _without_ your glasses?!"

"Yep," says Crawford, "the lenses are non-prescription."

"_Why_," asks Schu, "the hell would you want to wear glasses if you didn't even need them?!"

"They make me look smarter," explains Crawford, "people take you more seriously if you wear glasses."

"Yeah, maybe like fifty years ago," snorts Schuldig, "I hate to break it to you, but that's hardly true nowadays."

"No, seriously," Crawford says, "look at me and tell me I don't look less menacing without the glasses."

"_Menacing_?" laughs Schuldig, "your glasses don't make you look _menacing_. They make you look...." he stops and ponders Crawford for a minute, and his eyebrows suddenly arch up in revelation, "come to think of it, they make you look like that reporter guy in the comic books you keep hidden under your bed!"

"Hey now!" Crawford exclaims, "what the hell were you doing looking under my bed?!"

"Searching for things to blackmail you with, of course," answers Schu with a grin, "to tell the truth I was hoping for porn, but the comic books were still an amusing surprise."

"Someday Schuldig," Crawford says grimly, "I will lock Farfarello in your room as you sleep."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you will, Brad," Schu replys flippantly, "so admit it! You were totally wearing glasses because you want to look like Clark Kent!"

"I most certainly was not," insists Crawford.

"Hahahaha! Brad wants to be a _superhero_!" laughs Schuldig, mercilessly.

"Shut up," says Crawford.

"Hahaha! Brad Crawford: mild mannered reporter!" torments Schu.

"Schuldig," says Crawford calmly, "if you think I like to pretend that I am Clark Kent, then just who exactly does that make you?"

Schuldig's face falls as he suddenly remembers the orange haired, green jacketed sidekick to the previously mentioned comic book character.

"You've got to be kidding," says Schuldig, "Crawford, please look me in the eye and tell me you _do not_ like to imagine that I am Jimmy Olsen!"

Crawford just gives Schu a vague smile.

"You do! Holy shit, do you know how much you have just hurt me?!" Schuldig cries, "Olsen isn't even a proper _sidekick_,he's superman's 'pal.' Oh my god, Crawford thinks I'm his _pal_!"

"Schuldig: _Brad Crawford's pal_," Schu whines, "oh god I may as well just kill myself!"

"What about me?" asks Farfarello.

"What?" responds both Crawford and Schu, who hadn't even realized that Farfarello was paying attention to 

"Who am I in Crawford's sick fantasy world?" says Farfarello.

"Bizarro," Crawford instantly replies.

"SEE!" Schu yells hysterically, "you HAVE thought about this!"

"Cool," says Farfarello.

"I don't even want to know," grumbles Nagi.

"Nope," replies Crawford, cheering up, "you really don't."

_The children asked him if to kill was not a sin  
Not since he looked so fierce his mommy butted in  
If looks could kill it would have been us instead of him  
_

"Hey Farf," Schu says, noticing the disturbed look on Farfarello's face, "what's wrong? You look like you're going to injure yourself from thinking too hard."

"I can't figure out if what we're doing is bad or not," answers Farfarello frowning, "Killing a tiger ought to be bad, right? But tigers eat bunny rabbits and other cute little furry things. So maybe killing a tiger is actually a _good_ thing?"

"Don't worry," Schuldig reassures him, "killing a tiger just to make a rug so you'll look good at parties is _definitely _bad. It's downright monstrous, in fact."

"Oh good," says Farfarello with relief, "I was worried."

_(All the children sing)_

_Hey Bungalow Bill. What did you kill? Bungalow Bill._

_Hey Bungalow Bill. What did you Kill? Bungalow Bill._

Several hours and several more arguments later, Schwartz arrives back at their base camp. Crawford immediately sends the tiger off to be made into a magnificent rug, and then pulls out his little black book of rich and important people to plan his party.

He also wastes no time in teasing Schuldig by offering him the opportunity to be the party's go-go dancer after all...providing he dressed up as Jimmy Olsen.

Schuldig surprises Crawford by offering to compromise, and dress as Lana Lang.

Crawford is too shocked to argue, and Nagi quickly announces that he was going to be far too busy with schoolwork to go to the party.

Which is a shame, as the party turned out to be quite a hit.

Although no one asked Crawford where he got his tiger rug.

They were all to busy asking him where he got _Schuldig_.

The end.

**A/N**: In the 50's and 60's Jimmy Olsen wore a green sports jacket. I don't think he does anymore, but we'll just pretend Crawford likes the older comic books....

Lana Lang is one of Superman's girl friends (he has several, heh) who has red hair.


End file.
